The child does not want to go to kindergarten: harmful capriciousness! How to help parents and a child who does not want to go to kindergarten. Parents' mistakes, because of which the child does not want to go to kindergarten The child does not want to go to

And now the moment has come when diapers, constant control over the baby at home and on playgrounds, endless "handles" are in the past - the child already knows a lot himself, clearly explains what he wants, and in general it is time for mom to go to work, and the kid should go to the kindergarten. In theory, such a course of events usually does not cause special objections to kids, although there are children who initially strongly disagree with attending kindergarten. In practice, everything is much more complicated, and there are many options for the development of the situation.
At the initial stage, many children refuse to go to the kindergarten due to the abrupt change in the situation. Usually, after a period of adaptation, this reluctance and the accompanying bad mood and tears disappear, and the baby goes to the garden, if not with pleasure, then at least without any excesses. And suddenly one day the child in one form or another declares that he will no longer go to kindergarten. A child's unexpected refusal to go to kindergarten often confuses parents. To understand how to act correctly for parents in this situation, it is important to find out the reason for the "riot" and solve the problem on their own or with the help of a psychologist.

Possible reasons for unwillingness to attend kindergarten

Psychological unreadiness of the baby. All parents, to the best of their ability, try to prepare the child for the upcoming changes, but mothers and fathers should remember that psychologically the child is ready to attend kindergarten at the age of 3 years. A kid at 2 years old can do many things on his own (he has the necessary skills), but he is not psychologically ready for separation from his mother until he is 3 years old. A pronounced desire to play with other children appears after 2.5 - 3 years, but even with the emerging need of the crumbs for collective games, separation from the mother should occur gradually, so it takes a rather long period of time. Up to 3 years old, a child needs close, emotionally rich communication with his mother, and a sudden violation of this connection leads to psychological trauma in the little man. Children of this age do not yet have friendship in the understanding of adults, babies' relationships are situational, in most cases they play side by side, not together, and easily change their play partner. The main communication for the baby takes place with the family, and the baby at this stage of development needs only occasional communication with other people. Even if, for objective reasons, the mother is forced to send the baby to kindergarten at the age of up to 3 years, it is important to consider that this contradicts the child's will and needs, therefore, adaptation to the kindergarten will take a long time, problematic and not always successful. The kid may well lose those skills of independent behavior that he had before kindergarten, and begin to “stranglehold” constantly clinging to his mother. At the same time, it is important to remember that parents should be guided not by age indicators, but by a specific person with his characteristics - if a baby under 3 years old had enough mother, and the child has no fear of losing her suddenly, by the end of the second year of life the child will gradually begin to separate psychologically from the mother and can be sent to kindergarten. However, all children develop in different ways, and for some this period comes earlier, and for others - later.
Constantly present stress. Torn out of the usual circle, the child plunges for the whole day into a noisy team with its own rules and requirements, often contrary to the baby's habits. A new environment, alien adults requiring obedience (unlike mothers, who do not adapt to mood and desire), noise and the inability to retire, constant contact with other children (yes, nature did not provide for the constant interaction of the baby with children who are not members families) - all these factors can cause stress in the baby and an unwillingness to go to kindergarten.
Change in daily routine, food and nap. Lack of sleep is a fairly common reason for unwillingness to go to kindergarten. Morning discontent, hysterics and rebellion are not associated with the kindergarten as such, but with the unwillingness to wake up, leave a warm bed and make the often tiresome journey (not everyone is lucky to have a kindergarten next to their home). In this case, the scandalous and protesting baby in the morning will be quite happy with life by the time you return from work - you can find him playing with the children and not rushing home at all. The protest can also be related to the food that the child is forced to eat in the kindergarten. Preschool children are often very conservative with regard to food - each person has favorite and disliked dishes, but the kids also prefer their mother's cuisine, and if the cutlet is “not like mother’s”, they do not want it. And the educators usually do not allow to sort out, and the child is forced to choke on the unloved semolina. The protest can also be caused by the need to sleep during the day - many children after three years no longer need a day's sleep, and they are no longer sent to bed at home. The kindergarten does not leave freedom of choice in this regard, and lying quietly for a long time and doing nothing is boring.
Lack of necessary self-service skills. A child who does not know how to dress himself or eat neatly often causes displeasure among educators and ridicule of more independent children. In addition, a child who is not sufficiently prepared for kindergarten often communicates his needs with the help of whims, which also prevents the establishment of relationships with the team.
Problems with caregivers. Although, if the toddler does not want to go to kindergarten, parents often suspect the teacher of a negative and biased attitude towards the baby, educators can be quite restrained and benevolent. The situation may be associated with boredom - since there are usually a lot of children in a group, educators do not have the opportunity to individually deal with children, and the classes are not of interest to the kid. This problem occurs in children who experience cognitive (cognitive) hunger and require constant activity. Sometimes in kindergartens, classes with children are monotonous and are carried out "for show", turning into monotonous and uninteresting work for those who want to learn about the child's world. There are also educators who are biased towards some children - they rarely praise the "disgraced" baby, but do not forget to scold for the slightest deviation from the rules and requirements, and the child himself is not always to blame for the situation (the attitude towards the child may depend on the attitude towards you) ...
Conflicts with children in the group. The initial cause of the conflict may be unshared toys or quarrels that arose during the game - children at the age of three are not yet able to express their emotions and thoughts, so they try to solve the problem from a position of strength (take away, break) or with the help of screaming and tears. Older children are already trying to find a common language with their peers and are able to express their thoughts in an accessible way, but until the age of 6, the child is not able to fully comprehend even his own emotions, and as a result, is dismissive of the emotions and desires of others. If educators and parents pay attention to correcting children's behavior patterns, these conflicts quickly fade away and relations between children will normalize. In such cases, your heir's refusal to go to kindergarten is temporary. However, there are situations when the baby is teased systematically - the child may have any features of appearance or behavior, because of which almost the whole group can tease him. In such cases, the refusal to attend the kindergarten is categorical, and the protest is manifested regularly.
Change of the teacher or the kindergarten itself. Since educators spend a significant part of his life with the child, the child may become attached to the "kind" educator and protest against her leaving. The change of the preschool institution also negatively affects the child (if it is not caused by conflicts in the old kindergarten) - the child misses the familiar environment and environment, and in the new group he still has to establish relations.
In the kindergarten of your choice, the educators are not ready for the peculiarities of the baby. There are hyperactive and hypersensitive children, slow toddlers and children with other disabilities. When such children are in the same group, educators are forced to constantly organize the process of games, sleep and activities, taking into account the different needs of team members. This greatly complicates the work of the educator, and affects the attitude towards the baby, whose behavior deviates from the behavior of the majority.

In addition to these rather common reasons for refusing to attend kindergarten, there are more rare reasons associated with the characteristics of the child himself or with the situation in the family. The reason may be related to specific activities that are or will be held in the kindergarten. A child may refuse to go to kindergarten on the day of rehearsal for the upcoming matinee, because he was not given the role he wanted, or he is embarrassed to perform. The reason may be completely unexpected - I didn’t manage to fasten my beautiful shoes before dancing, I didn’t manage to make an applique, or it didn’t come out as beautiful as Masha’s - I won’t go on the day of dancing or certain classes.

Problems in the family can also affect the child's desire to attend kindergarten - morning protests in the form of tears and screams can serve as a cover for deeper feelings of the baby arising from parental quarrels, family loss, etc.

It is also important to take into account that a child's reluctance to go to kindergarten may depend on the internal mood of the parents - before the first visit to kindergarten, parents quite often discussed their concerns about the kindergarten and its impact on the baby, or the parents themselves have negative memories of their going to kindergarten. Parents subconsciously tell the child - "kindergarten is a terrible place, but you need to go there."

Naturally, the child does not want to go to the "terrible place" and resists in every possible way. The same unconscious reaction of protest arises if the parents try to send the baby to the garden as soon as possible, because he “is already big and should,” “everyone walked, they took me, you shouldn't be capricious,” etc. Parental pressure disturbs the child's emotional state, he experiences anxiety and the need to "hide" in a safe place - at home.

How protest can manifest

At first glance, it seems that parents always immediately notice when a child does not want to go to kindergarten, but in practice the situation may look different. Problems are immediately noticeable only when the baby expresses open protest.

This protest may look different:

The child may report his unwillingness to go to the garden in the morning in a calm manner, returning home with you from the garden or going to bed. This form of protest usually arises if a conflict situation has arisen in the group, but it is not systematic. In this case, the problems encountered by the crumbs are worth discussing, but you should not focus too much on the situation - after a while, the baby will not remember this trouble and his attitude will change.
The child informs about the unwillingness to go to the kindergarten every day, the process of collecting in the kindergarten is accompanied by violent emotions (screaming, sobbing), even hysteria is possible. In this case, the mother should react instantly - it makes no sense to force the baby in such a situation, since the next day you will have to observe the same picture. If earlier everything was fine and the child calmly got ready in the morning, then there is some reason for such a change in behavior, and if the reaction is too violent, the problems will not go away by themselves.

An open form of protest exhausts parents - mom or dad are sometimes late for work and often feel sadistic (often mom recalls how her beloved baby shed burning tears when parting, and dad also feels remorse because of the spank that had to be given to the screaming and resisting heir). But much worse are those cases when the child expresses his protest in a latent form. In such cases, the parents are forced to guess about the reluctance of the crumbs to go to the garden, and it will take some time before they understand this. Accordingly, helping a baby to solve his problems is much more difficult.

A hidden protest can be expressed:

In the daily silent sabotage. The kid does not scream or cry in the morning, but he constantly stalls for time by all available methods, and as a result, everyone and everywhere is late or rush headlong to the kindergarten and to work. Mom in her hearts informs the child that he is a "hogwash", but he gets ready for a walk or other interesting places for the baby much faster.
Coming up with excuses for skipping kindergarten. Parents receive an offer to “leave him with his grandmother,” they listen about bad weather and that “you can't go anywhere on such a day,” the mother may suddenly find out that she has a day off or that the baby has a hand-leg-stomach-headache.
In a bad mood in the morning. The child looks offended or depressed, on the way to the kindergarten he barely "crawls", but when his mother comes to pick him up, he is cheerful and rushes home skipping.
In bad "reviews" about the kindergarten. If a kid draws a kindergarten, his drawing is painted mainly in dark shades (a lot of black), and role-playing games on the theme of the kindergarten are accompanied by an image of some kind of conflict.
In the absence of appetite and sleep disturbance (some children may develop enuresis).

To solve the problem of attending kindergarten for any form of protest, the reason that caused such a reaction of the baby must be established.

What parents should not do if the child does not want to go to the garden

All parents were once children, and many of them were taken to kindergarten. It is no secret that in our family life we, in one form or another, reproduce the model of behavior that we saw in childhood. That is why many parents make certain mistakes that do not solve the problem, but exacerbate it (of course, these mistakes are made unconsciously, but problems can be truly solved only by eliminating their causes).

To help the baby in a difficult situation for him, parents need:

Do not show your anxiety about the crumbs' unwillingness to go to kindergarten.
Never frighten your child with a kindergarten ("you won't obey, you will go to kindergarten").
Never deceive him. If you have promised to pick up your baby at a specific time, you need to make sure to keep your promise.
Do not give in to persuasion and various manipulations (if a child persuades you not to leave him in a group alone, simulates a disease, etc., and you follow his lead, various manipulations in order to get what he wants will be the norm for him).
Do not criticize educators, nannies and the kindergarten itself with a child.
Do not take radical actions (do not swear immediately with the educators, do not punish the child and do not immediately abandon the kindergarten).

How to find out the reason for the child's unwillingness to go to kindergarten

Even in a conversation with an adult, it is not always easy to find out the true reason for his behavior, and in a situation with a small child it is all the more difficult. Even if the baby protests violently, the reason for the protest remains unknown, and it is often difficult for the little man to answer a direct question.

In such a situation, parents should:

Asking the child how the day went and asking leading questions if necessary. It is important to clarify whether there have been quarrels with other children, whether his teachers have scolded him, etc. If the conflict occurred long before your arrival (and time for children flows much slower), the baby does not always say something like “Misha offended me” when meeting you, but during the conversation this information will come up.
Ask the teacher about your baby and his behavior in the kindergarten. Even if it seems to you that the reason is the improper behavior of the teacher, you do not need to immediately make a complaint against him. In the process of calm and polite communication, it will be easier for you to understand the whole picture and, with adequate communication, suggest how best to deal with your child in certain situations.
Discuss with other parents how their children behave in the morning. If in the group your child is not the only one going to the garden with tears, you need to find out the reasons for the children's protests together with the educators at a parent meeting.
Invite the child to draw a kindergarten (the child can be helped, but he must choose the colors for the drawing himself). If the drawing is bright, joyful shades, the cause of the morning scandals should be sought at home, with the family, or the sleep and rest regime should be adjusted. In the case when the drawing looks gloomy, offer the baby a role-playing game "in the kindergarten" - the baby during the game will reproduce the situations that he observes in reality. Important: make sure that in the process of drawing the crumbs have paints or pencils of all shades (children often draw solid "canvases" of dark brown shades, because the paints are soiled, the yellow or green color has run out, etc.).
Be attentive to the results of the classes conducted in the kindergarten. If the baby does not cope with the tasks and feels inferior because of this, work out with him additionally at home.

What do we have to do

The actions of the parents depend on the specific situation and on the reason why the child does not want to go to kindergarten.

If the reluctance to go to kindergarten arose during the first visits, the child needs help to adapt. Of course, there are children who themselves want to go to kindergarten and adapt perfectly there - even on the first day of visiting the kindergarten, the mother leaves without any tears and picks up a completely satisfied child from the kindergarten. But in most cases, everything looks different - the child, quite happy with the new impressions, is absolutely not ready for a long separation from his mother, and tears begin on the second day of the kindergarten. In order for the child to adapt more easily to new conditions, it is recommended to bring the daily routine closer to the daily routine in the kindergarten in advance, during walks to encourage games with other kids, if possible, arrange an excursion to your future kindergarten. On the first day, leave your child for just an hour or two, and gradually increase the time he is in kindergarten. It is better to pick up the baby at the initial stage when he himself wants it.
In the event that the reason for refusing to go to kindergarten is unusual food for the child or the need to sleep during the day, you need to talk to the teacher. Not every mother at home makes her little one finish everything to the end, but you can talk for a long time about the quality of food in the kindergarten (semolina with lumps or too thick, the child is not used to gravy, he does not like casserole at all, etc.). But educators do not like it when children sit over a plate for hours or refuse to eat at all, and the poor child is forced to choke on an unloved dish or stay at the table until he is finished. Ask the teacher if it is possible not to pour your child's gravy (replace the jelly with tea, etc.), whether you can give him a sandwich instead of a casserole, and explain - it's okay that your child doesn't finish the soup, no. You are firmly convinced that the baby will not die of hunger and eat as much as he wants, you just do not need to force him if he refuses. With daytime sleep, the situation looks a little more complicated - in our kindergartens there are many children and few nannies and educators, therefore, educators are not ready to separately deal with your waking child. If you can't pick up your baby before sleepy hour, ask the teacher to allow the baby to quietly draw or look at books while lying down. At the same time, do not forget to explain to the baby that during the daytime sleep you need to be quiet, since other children are sleeping. As a last resort, just ask not to demand to close your eyes and sleep - this is also a compromise solution between the requirements of the caregiver and the desires of the child.
If your child requires constant care, gradually develop self-care skills in a playful way. Of course, you need to teach a child to be independent even before kindergarten, but not all children have the same well-developed fine motor skills. If the baby copes with a spoon and clasps, but he does it for a long time, at home develop fine motor skills with him (finger games, modeling, sorting out small objects, etc.). If you lack self-care skills, try to make life easier for your child - choose clothes that are practical and comfortable without a lot of fasteners and ties. It is better to choose models with buttons located in the front - the child will cope with them more easily than with buttons. It is advisable to choose skirts and pants with an elastic band, and it is better to choose shoes with Velcro fasteners.
If a child refuses to go to kindergarten because of a specific teacher, the current situation needs to be clarified as much as possible. The provider may be nice to children and have conflict with your child for a specific reason. In this case, it is important to establish a constructive dialogue with the teacher and try to solve the problem together (your aggressive or ingratiating behavior will only aggravate the conflict, therefore it is a polite exchange of views that is important). In the case when the educator is aggressive towards children, to solve the problem, one should unite with other parents - a collective statement always carries more weight than an individual one. Parents with a complaint should contact the administration of the kindergarten. If other parents do not have complaints about the teacher, the teacher does not contact you, and you are sure that he is really doing badly towards your child, you will have to change the group or kindergarten.
Conflicts with peers are an inevitable “growing pain”, and the desire to protect the baby from resentment and disappointment is a natural desire of a mother who forgets that her baby may also be not a victim, but an initiator of conflict. In children of the second or third year of life, both friendship and conflicts are situational in nature, and you should not directly intervene in the children's quarrel that happened without you. Instead, teach your child how to behave in a variety of situations. Teach your toddler to change toys with other children while playing, tell him what to do if the other child is behaving aggressively, etc. Older children can tease and call each other names about (sloppiness, unusual appearance, etc.) and for no reason (got up on the wrong foot), and teasers "stick" to children who are painfully reacting to such behavior. The advice “do not be offended” is not effective, in this case rhymed “excuses” known to us from childhood will be more effective (“who calls his name - he’s called that himself”, “call names, call names like a frog bloat”, etc.). At the same time, it is important to help the child feel successful - demonstrating some of the child's abilities or achievements to peers often radically changes their attitude (here you need the help of a teacher). If you have speech defects, take your baby to a speech therapist. Remember to also pay attention to the child's self-care skills and appearance, thus eliminating the mockery.

If the child does not want to go to kindergarten because of a specific event, help the child prepare for it and feel confident.

In case of lack of sleep, adjust the daily routine.

When should the child be left at home?

If a child goes to kindergarten for a sufficient period of time, but he has not been able to adapt to it, the visit to the kindergarten will have to be postponed for a while. Yes, a baby can be very independent and have all the necessary skills, but psychologically he is not ready for kindergarten (or rather, for parting with his mother for the whole day).

In addition, very sensitive and emotional children in a noisy children's team feel uncomfortable. These babies need a friendly atmosphere and a calm environment. A sensitive child should be taught to children's collectives gradually, attending various developmental activities, circles and playgrounds.

Children with developmental pathologies (special babies) in a regular kindergarten can be offended, and since not all violations can be eliminated, it is better to choose a specialized kindergarten.

In the presence of tantrums, the child must be shown to a psychologist or psychotherapist, and temporarily left at home (you can return to kindergarten after solving the problem).

Sometimes it is possible, if possible, to leave a child at home who is simply tired of going to kindergarten, but you should not do this regularly if you are still determined to attend kindergarten.

In any case, it is important to remember that the child is not just capricious, but is trying to adapt to a specific situation, and you can solve the problem only by carefully analyzing all the existing circumstances.

An ideal child is always neat, friendly and sweet, he smiles, readily fulfills all your orders and answers everything: "Yes, with joy, I love you so much, mommy." There are no such children, as well as adults.

A real child may not get enough sleep, be capricious, upset, frightened and, ultimately, refuse to cooperate with you, responding to all offers: “I don’t want to. No". Such a "reluctant" may not be aware of what is bothering him, and in most cases he will not be able to cope with the problem himself.

Let's talk about a child who refuses to go to kindergarten. Since the child himself, apart from "no", will not be able to clearly tell us anything else, the parents will get to the root of the problem. They should leave the tactics "if you don't want to - we will force" and "you create problems for us, you are a bad child." Parents should kindly, persistently and carefully help their child, using the advice of a child psychologist.

The child does not want to go to kindergarten: when is it normal?

First, it is necessary to determine the stage at which the problem arose: the baby has just started going to preschool; the child attended the group for a long time and always with pleasure; he is capricious in the morning, and afterwards he speaks of the garden with joy.

If your little one is just getting to know kindergarten, his negative reaction is quite natural. The group has a different psychological climate, type of communication, system of requirements and daily routine. You need to get used to everything, not be afraid and show your abilities. This adaptation period will be easier for the child if earlier the parents were able to properly organize his leisure time and upbringing: they loved, hugged and praised the baby for his achievements, did not blame or reproach him for mistakes, taught simple self-service techniques (eat, dress, wash, etc.) ), introduced them to applied arts (drawing, modeling, applique, etc.) and helped to build communication with other children correctly.

If the child is "home", his social circle is limited, and he himself is not confident in himself and his abilities, then the adaptation period will take longer and cause more trouble. Refusing to attend kindergarten at this stage requires parents and educators to delicate and long-term work to improve the child's skills, get used to the new environment, and establish contact with other kids.

If the children have been visiting the garden for a long enough time and began to show signs of anxiety and anxiety every time it comes to the need to go to a group, the reason lies in the relationship between them and the caregivers or children. This may be a reaction to a new leader, a misunderstanding with the teacher or his assistant, an unresolved conflict with another child.

In the third case, the question may be associated with a banal lack of sleep and can be resolved by simply establishing an adequate daily regimen: the child must get out of bed himself by the time it is necessary, and fully recover during the rest period.

How to determine the reason for the child's refusal to go to kindergarten?

Children's anxiety and fear can negatively affect his behavior: the child can become irritable and whiny, withdrawn and uncommunicative. Denial of parental authority, refusal to cooperate, possible frequent urination and whims should not irritate parents, but only indicate to them the need to urgently search for and solve the problem, the consequence of which is the refusal to attend kindergarten.

Let's consider several ways that will help determine the "root of evil" and determine the further course of action:
talk to your child. Tell us how you loved kindergarten in childhood and what kind of reliable friend you met there, explain to your kid that when you started going to kindergarten, it was not easy for you and there were problems, etc. Find an emotional response to your words, let the baby talk about what he likes in kindergarten and what he doesn't.
talk to the teacher... Ask around, think together. If it seems to you that the teacher does not make contact or is deliberately keeping silent about something, tune in to the “wave of support”, agree with everything, enter into trust as a like-minded person and most likely you will hear from your interlocutor what you need.
talk to other parents in the group. Perhaps they are worried about the same problems. Together, it is easier to transform the established order in the group to create a more comfortable environment for the development of children.
play "kindergarten" with your child. Choose the right dolls that will personify everyone with whom the child meets during the day. Start with those who are known to like the baby, and then introduce into the game those on whose account you doubt. If the problem is related to the teacher or any of the children, you will understand this from the position of your child: he will not want to play if this doll does not leave, or he will behave with it the way this real person behaves with him.
bring the child to the group knowingly the last or late. When the baby starts playing with everyone, do not close the door behind him tightly, go unnoticed in the locker room, sit down and listen to what is happening where your baby is. Loud cries of the teacher and twitching, it is difficult not to hear the crying back. If this is not possible, walk up to the kindergarten fence during the day's walk and observe quietly.
modern educational standards provide for the possibility for parents to organize circles and additional activities in kindergarten (from drawing to English). Get involved in this program and, having entered the team, analyze the situation, at the same time providing support to your child;
analyze the child's behavior. Perhaps something else has changed. If the child generally refuses parental influence, then most likely he "tests for strength" the seriousness of the parents' intentions and boundaries of what is permitted, and at the same time his own security and stability of his world. In this case, indulging the wishes of the "capricious" will undermine his trust in his parents;
a little more about whims. If earlier a child shouted and hysterically sought from adults what he needed, then it is not surprising if the child will use the same type of blackmail in relation to a kindergarten, where discipline and requirements, while at home "everything is possible." At home, your grandmother bakes pancakes, wakes you up at lunchtime and allows you to play computer games for several hours? Determine the right activities for the child and the optimal regime at home, do not fall for blackmail and teach the child to do what is useful and interesting;
decide on your position regarding kindergarten. If the parents themselves have a negative or disdainful attitude towards the preschool institution or the educators, then the child may adopt their position despite his own impression. All questions and disagreements regarding the baby's stay in the group should be resolved only in the absence of children, one should not discuss their own emotions and conflicts with the kindergarten workers with them.

What if the child does not want to go to kindergarten?

determine how serious the problem is: it is just a whim or a consequence of serious stress. Find out the cause of the disorder and calmly and kindly help the child cope with the situation;
distract your child when going to kindergarten. Talk about friends in the group, things to do in the garden, ask them to show other kids new games, dream about the time you will spend together in the evening when the whole family is together. Watch a joyful and funny cartoon together. Let your kindergarten prep time be easy, unexpected and enjoyable. If the child does not want to go to kindergarten and cries in the morning, get out of bed earlier, go to bed on time, let him wake up in the morning by himself;
consult with educators, the head of the kindergarten, the nanny on all issues, insist on an individual approach in certain issues, tactfully explain how important it is to your baby, seek cooperation;
take an active position. Involve a parent meeting and a nursery school manager to address any serious problems in the group. Remember that a kindergarten worker who allows a rude attitude towards children (hits, threatens, etc.) should not deal with minors and will be fired based on the parents' demands. An incompetent educator with no work experience can be transferred to another group or demoted to the level of a teacher's assistant. It is worth changing the kindergarten only if all active efforts do not bear fruit;
spend more time with your child, take an interest in it and do it yourself. Take a break and arrange a vacation, perhaps during this time the problem will either go away or dull, and it will be easier to solve it;
allow your toddler to take a toy from home to the garden. The stuffed toy may not be allowed into the group (dust collector), but another favorite thing will remind the parents. Prepare your child in advance that other children may ask for their toy. Work out the tactics of his actions in this case. In addition, a cartoon that the baby especially loves will be a wonderful gift for kindergarten;
if the child does not want to go to kindergarten due to a broken relationship with one of the children, make an effort to make friends with the kids;
push the boundaries of the child's world. Leave home more often, travel, go to museums, amusement parks, on a visit, to the cinema, etc. Do not let your baby be isolated and help adapt to diverse social relationships. This will help to overcome the child's fear of strangers, if for this reason he does not want to go to kindergarten;
if the child shows other signs of disorder, including physiological, it is necessary to seek help from a child psychologist (not to be confused with a neurologist) to provide timely assistance to a little person.

What is absolutely forbidden for parents to do if the child does not want to go to the garden?

ignore the baby's protests. The child tries to say that he feels bad, but he is still small and does it clumsily. Parents should listen, study the situation carefully, and help authoritatively;
blame the child for his problems and say that if he does not want to go to kindergarten, then this creates insoluble obstacles for the life of the parents. This is one of the easiest ways to convince a kid that he is bad and develop a bouquet of complexes in him for life. It is not the child's fault that he is still small and does not have experience and knowledge, cannot resolve a difficult issue and does not know how to control his emotions. The position of the parents should look something like this: baby, you are just wonderful, and we love and are very proud of you, sometimes you lack a little experience, but you will succeed if you listen to parental advice, you will be kind and fair;
taken to the kindergarten by force. Always try to come to an agreement with the child, stipulate all the points, work out your common solution. But do not succumb to obvious provocations when you are forced to make concessions under the pressure of a child who threw a tantrum in order to achieve their goal. If such a scandal happened in front of others, do not humiliate the child, do not pull back, calmly and measuredly explain how you intend to act and why;
scandal in kindergarten... By turning all the workers of the group against yourself and the child, you will only make things worse for your own child. It is better to delicately and persistently direct the actions of educators than to directly state the gross mistakes made, turning into a conflict;
secretly from the administration of the kindergarten, to file complaints to higher authorities. This should only be done when, without result, the entire limit of "on-site combat operations" has been exhausted.

In addition, you should correctly determine the age of the child, after which he will be ready to go to kindergarten. This moment does not come when the mother decides that she is tired of sitting at home, but when the baby becomes interested in playing with peers, he will get bored with homework and the circle of friends of his family will not be enough. For each child, this border is individual and occurs at about the age of 2 x up to 3 years.

By this time, parents must carry out serious work on preparing for kindergarten: teach self-study (drawing, application, construction from a designer, etc.), instill in the child simple self-service skills, teach the rules of communication with "stranger" adults who will take care about him during the absence of his parents during the day. It is also important to determine the line of behavior with other children: the child must be able to share, change, explain his desires reasonably (explain that the simple "I want" does not work and does not give a result), as well as apologize and forgive.

The child's initiative for independence should be supported by drawing lines of similarity between adult work and kindergarten activities. For completing tasks to prepare the baby for attending a preschool institution, he should be praised and said that he is growing up and will soon be ready to go to the group. If you properly organize the preparation time for kindergarten and choose a good teacher, then you will not face the problem of a child who does not want to go to kindergarten.

The child does not want to go to kindergarten, Video

I want to note right away: I am against visiting the garden under three years old. This is my professional point of view. Therefore, everything that we will talk about next is applicable for children over three years old. So, here are some reasons:

The house won't let go

The first option is the parents' fear for the child (he will be ill, he is too weak physically, the educators will not take care of him there as needed, and so on). The second is the negative parental experience of visiting the garden in childhood. And the parent subconsciously sends this inner perception to the child. "This is a terrible place, but you have to go there," - as if the mother broadcasts to the child. "Will not go!" - the healthy psyche of the child shouts. The third is the fear of mom's authenticity. Often in the case of younger children, when the stage of Dosadov's childhood ends in the family, the mother begins to be afraid, unconsciously. All this time she was a young mother who took care of a small child, and now he goes to kindergarten, and she has fears - but whether she will be needed ("who will I be without a child").

All of this can affect the child's inner decision. “I'd better stay at home, my mother will feel calmer this way,” the child feels. “Mom will not worry about me, I will not go to a scary place, if I leave home, trouble will happen” - the last fear is characteristic of overly responsible children.

Home is pushing

But how can the parent's active desire to send the child to the kindergarten prevent him from wanting to attend this kindergarten? And everything is the same. And in this case, the child is forced to cope not only with his own emotions and experiences, but also with the experiences of the parents. In fact, parents unconsciously broadcast to their child: grow up sooner, prove to the whole world that we are good parents. When parental self-esteem is directly related to the child's achievements and success, it becomes an overwhelming task for the child. This often happens to older or only children. Younger people live easier in this sense. When such pressure arises, the child loses a sense of security from what is happening, anxiety grows, he wants to hide in his usual safe place. “What if I can't cope? I'd better sit at home, ”he feels.

Have you ever skydived? No? Then just try to imagine. There is a difference between when you jump on your own and when you are kicked out of the plane. Just imagine this. An "innocent" push in the back can seriously affect the entire development of a child. There is a simple rule: to call is allowed and necessary, pushing is not allowed. First you need to deal with your own motives and not hang your feelings on the child. Sometimes just the realization that this is, “these are my cockroaches, they are, but you are not obliged to react,” saves the situation. Then the child has a choice.

It is worth having escape routes: grandmothers, nannies, girlfriends. A hopeless situation worsens the child's condition. If you plan to go to work, first adapt to the garden and then go to work. The most sociable child needs time to adapt. It is important to remember that for a child, the garden is a new level of attitude. This is the time when the child receives an answer to the questions: "How will I relate to the world and myself?" The kid takes patterns of behavior from adults, but learns them in communication with children. And here it is important not to forget about this importance, you need to make it clear to the child that he himself is busy with an important matter, and we, adults, understand this. This is not "Mommy is busy, so you go to the garden" - so wrong. That's right - "while you are busy with important things, I can go to work."

The child is not ready for the garden

A story from practice. Anya, 5 years old, flatly refuses to go to her favorite pastime - dancing - in the garden. On the day when there is dancing, she does not want to go to the garden at all. I turned the whole garden almost inside out in order to find out the reason - both the teacher, and the teacher, and the director. Everyone went forward, everyone wanted to help. It turned out that Anyuta did not succeed ... to fasten new beautiful shoes. Pride did not allow asking for help, and the desire to shine did not allow wearing old ones. Hence the tears. Conclusion: the better the child is at self-service, the easier the adaptation is. The key word here is "convenient" - to put on, put away, button up. A poorly fastened zipper causes aggression in the caregiver. The adult is angry at the lightning, not at the child, but the kid doesn't see the difference! For him it is "aunt does not love me." And the teacher can understand: problems with lightning once is not a problem, but 15 times for 15 children it is a problem. One teacher told me about a haute couture scarf on a girl that evoked the image of Isadora Duncan in her. The child runs around the playground in a fluttering long scarf, and the teacher worries that the scarf will catch on to something and strangle the baby.

Remember, a child without you is different, behaves differently than with you. The baby, ceremoniously performing in a white overalls with her grandmother on her right hand, and with her mother on her left, in their absence, with a running start, dives into the first dirty puddle she sees. Remember, luxury clothing is not for the garden. Take one day and observe your child in terms of his willingness to do everything himself (like in a garden). Try to make everything comfortable. It is necessary that nothing bothers him, nothing scratches. Your son may rush home, because he is uncomfortable in a new T-shirt, and he wants to take it off and put on an old, homely, soft one.

The garden is not ready for the peculiarities of the child

Problems with refusing to go to the garden may be related to the garden itself. Because the garden is not ready for your child's peculiarities. Take noise hypersensitivity, for example. There are children (and not only children, but also adults) who do not tolerate high noise levels. I know several managers whose rapid career was explained by the desire to quickly get a separate office and move from the open space.

Also, for example, there is a feature - intolerance to unauthorized touches. If an employee of the company where you work starts pushing, grabbing or biting you, you will at least be surprised. In the adult world, this is unacceptable, but in the childish world it is commonplace. And the words of the educator “do not approach him, he is gentle with us” does not help the child to establish relationships with other children. He is ready and willing to play and push and play, but in control of the process. He is not against communication, he is against the fact that touching and such actions happen suddenly and without his consent. With such a child, the teacher needs to pronounce the rules of behavior in the game: you can grab the hand, you cannot grab the braid. And the child must be ready for what will happen now.

There are children who cannot sleep in the gardens. There are adults who do not sleep in other people's houses - what kind of children did they grow up from, do you think? They need their own safe space. For them, sleep is an intimate process. Such children will willingly play, walk and so on, but they will not sleep in the garden.

Another recurring feature of some children that can cause problems with the garden is children who are constantly experiencing cognitive hunger. They need something constantly happening around them, they need a situation of active development - performances, games, and so on. And if adults do not organize it, they will organize it for themselves (see “Problem Child 1 and 2”). “We don't keep up with your child,” the educators say in such cases. These children do not fight, they just constantly involve other children in various activities that the educators do not have time to follow.

Parents of such children need to remember: this is not a problem, but a feature of the child. There is no need to remodel it to adapt the baby to the garden. It is necessary to look for such a garden and such educators who are ready to accept and take into account these features.

Be more careful with any value judgments about the child. If there are teasers and some negative nicknames or definitions of the child, everyone understands that it is bad, but positive assessments are just as dangerous (“helper, calm boy, serious girl, good organizer, and so on”).

A story from practice. Vanya, 6 years old. She flatly refuses to go to the garden. Mom leads me to the wall of fame in their house, hung with letters of honor, filled with cups. A child is a leader everywhere, successful, everyone loves him. Mom is at a loss: "Others have problems, but what are we?" Indeed, the boy has the qualities of a leader, organizes an interesting life for the group in the garden, games and the like. And everyone, including educators, is expected of him without fail. The child practically went to the kindergarten as to work. Let me remind you once again that for harmonious development, a child must try himself in the areas and spheres in which he is weak, and develop them. How can you try something new, in which you are not yet successful, when you are constantly asked to demonstrate success? In the case of Vanya, it turned out that Vanya fell in love and tried to do something that he had not yet done and could not know how to do - write poetry. He was not allowed to write poetry in the garden - they expected him to play active games, organize, watched what he was doing, he was always in sight, and he was embarrassed. Therefore, he sat at home, locked himself in a room, surrounded himself with Pushkin and began to write poetry. Imagine: a six-year-old boy locked himself in a room, closed the door with a cupboard, and refused to go into the garden.

And I'll tell you what advice I gave his mother: well, let the child write a poem! Children have the right to be different.

School anxiety, school phobia, refusal to attend school, school neurosis ... The names are different, but the problem is the same: the child refuses to attend classes. He perceives school not as a place where he communicates with peers and gains knowledge. For him, she is a constant source of fear and stress. How to be in this situation?

Parents must first learn to distinguish between anxiety and anxiety. Occasional expressions of anxiety before, for example, an important test or performance at a holiday is a normal reaction. Anxiety is a constant worry that develops into a reluctance to go to school. Every morning the child feels depressed, he is not happy with the upcoming day, he is looking for an excuse not to go to school. At the same time, on weekends or on holidays, he behaves completely normal.

Most of the children cannot or do not want to explain what the matter is. But every morning they have a "stomach ache" or "temperature rises." And often this is not a simulation - with severe anxiety, all symptoms actually appear. Parents will have to determine the cause of this condition themselves.

Why does the child refuse to go to school

First-graders usually have a problem with difficulties with social adaptation. The child is simply uncomfortable in an unfamiliar environment and wants to go home, where everything is clear and familiar. Especially often it happens in families where parents for a long time protected the baby from the difficulties and realities of life. As a result, the child feels like a stranger at school: he cannot find a common language with his peers and does not know how to communicate with teachers.

In this case, you need to actively engage in the socialization of the child, ask him to carry out simple assignments: go to the nearest store, go with one of the adults - but not with mom and dad - somewhere on public transport. Parents should model situations in which the child can show independence.

Also, elementary school students are often afraid not to meet the expectations of their parents and are worried if something does not work out for them. A child can get upset even because of minor failures - he forgot a notebook, straight hooks are not obtained in the copybooks, parents took them from lessons later than others.

The adaptation period lasts from a month to six months, after which the level of anxiety in younger students usually returns to normal

It is important not to impose excessive demands on him, not to scold him for minor oversights and explain that not everyone succeeds the first time. Talk about your learning difficulties and how you dealt with them. The adaptation period lasts from a month to six months, after which the level of anxiety in younger students usually returns to normal.

The second tipping point occurs when you move to high school. But adolescent anxiety in relation to school life can also be a manifestation of character traits. What situations are most often the cause for worry?

The child is afraid of being punished at home for low grades or bad behavior.

He is embarrassed to answer at the blackboard, he is afraid to publicly make a mistake, he is afraid that everyone will laugh at him.

He cannot find a common language with one of the teachers, he is faced with ridicule, reproaches, nagging, underestimation and inattentive attitude.

Feels weak and insecure, for example, afraid that high school students might take money away or tease about unfashionable clothes.

Feels different from everyone else, cannot join any company and becomes an outcast.

The child becomes infected with anxiety from loved ones. For example, the mother is very worried about the grades, constantly reminds that "it is important to study well, otherwise you will not go to university and become a janitor."

He has an excellent student syndrome, he tries to be the best, constantly competes with other students and, as a result, is overloaded with tasks.

The main mistake of parents in any of these situations is not to pay attention to the problem or to believe that "it will pass by itself." Some schoolchildren are able to independently cope with the problem, adapt to the situation, find themselves and their place in school life. They respond appropriately to failures, do not worry about marks or comments. But most need help.

How can a parent help?

To begin with, it is very important to understand and accept the child's anxiety. Remember: he has every right to her.

1. Sincerely, do not take an interest in the life, thoughts, feelings, fears of the child. Teach him to talk about them. Find out what lessons he likes and why. Is this the merit of the teacher or is the child interested in the subject itself?

Ask not only about grades, but also about how and for what they were given. What emotions did the assessment evoke - pride, disappointment, anger, shame? Being able to recognize and describe your emotions is a very important skill that will come in handy not only in school life.

2. Explain to your son or daughter that it is normal not to know something or to be late. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Let the child do not hesitate to speak if he is tired or physically does not have time to complete the task. Unfortunately, today's schoolchildren are often overwhelmed.

3. Even if children's problems do not seem serious, it is important to recognize the child's right to them. Do not discount the problem: "Just think, forgot to learn the poem." But also do not inflate the elephant out of a fly: “How could you not learn a verse? Why do you keep forgetting everything? Who are you so irresponsible? "

Always think about the consequences of such an intervention. It can sometimes make things worse.

4. Don't rush to call the principal or the parents of a classmate who teases your child. Do not interfere with the situation unnecessarily. As a last resort, make sure that the son or daughter does not know about it.

Always think about the consequences of such an intervention. At times, it can make the situation worse. Moreover, this way you will not teach the child independence.

5. Teach your child to draw conclusions from unpleasant situations - bad grades, quarrels with a classmate, squabbles with the teacher. The experience gained will help you avoid even more trouble.

6. Be an example to your child. Share with him your worries, worries, difficulties at work and tell him how you overcome them. Teach your child - and learn yourself! - to relax and adequately express negative emotions. Remember: calm, happy parents have balanced children.

7. In some cases, if the parents cannot help or correctly understand the situation, it is better not to delay and consult a psychologist.

About the expert

(Béatrice Copper-Royer) is a clinical psychologist, an expert on child and adolescent behavior, the author of the book "I'm afraid of the wolf, I'm afraid of everything."

The best age to start attending preschool is 2.5-3 years.Previously, the psyche of the crumbs was not ready to cope with stress and with communication with strangers. Until the age of three, the connection with the mother is so strong that no teacher, even the most attentive, can replace her. But sometimes the circumstances are such that the baby has to be sent to a preschool.

In order to facilitate adaptation to the nursery, play more often with peers, teach to contact children. Prepare food at home as close as possible to the kindergarten menu. Knowing how to use a pot, hold a spoon, drink from a mug, put on trousers and sandals will make your baby's life much easier.

When it comes time to send her offspring to a kindergarten, every mother understands that this is an important stage in life. And it comes with many difficulties.

The reasons

Parents' desire is not formed- scary for their child, it seems to them that the baby is sickly, not physically developed enough, peers and teachers will offend. Unconsciously, they transmit nervousness to their baby, a healthy reaction is the desire to stay at home.
Own memories are negative.If the parents themselves were disgusted at visiting the kindergarten, remember how hard it was for them there, the offspring absorbs from them that this place is bad. Why go where it is bad?
Fear of the future. It is difficult for mom to let go of the child, it is difficult to change the usual life, where all the time was devoted to worries. Feeling the subconscious fears of his parents, he seeks to maintain harmony in the family.
Great responsibility. If dad and mom attach great, often too much, importance to the development of a preschooler, expressing it with intolerance: "Natasha has already mastered the pot, but you have not." Throwing an unbearable load on your baby, you contribute to the development of fears. And he chooses the safest place - the house, because new tests await in the kindergarten, with which he is afraid not to cope.

Poor wardrobe.The most important rule is convenience. Simple fasteners, soft natural fabric of the garment. Of course, it is better when your child has self-service skills. If he dresses and puts on his own shoes, adaptation will be much easier. Intricate clothes can cause the teacher's aggression, because the offspring does not understand that the adult is not angry with him, but with small buttons. As a result, he does not want to make contact with the teacher.
A special child.For example, a fear of touching may appear when a child is afraid that it can become seriously ill by touching strangers. Some children may not tolerate loud sounds well, and in kindergarten, children are in constant tactile contact and noise. Also, the child may have problems sleeping or he is so active that adults do not have time to follow him. In any case, know that your children are fine and do not need to be converted into a kindergarten. You should create the most comfortable conditions for them, look for an institution that can provide them.

If this is your first time going to kindergarten, you are likely to meet with child resistance. Changing the regime and social circle even in adults causes stress, what to speak of a three-year-old baby.

Watch the episode of Dr. Komarovsky's program, which is called the "non-Sadikovsky child". Perhaps after viewing it will be easier for you to understand the reasons for the child's reluctance to attend preschool?

What should be done to facilitate adaptation?

Gradually accustom your child to the kindergarten.First come and get acquainted, see the group and the locker. Play on the court. Find out every day how he spent his day. Gradually, both of you will get used to it, and the baby will talk more and more. What you did, what you ate, who you played with, etc. Encourage good behavior, but don't buy trips to the garden. Otherwise, it will later serve as a pretext for blackmail. "I'll go if you buy something."

Play the situations that arise in the group.Suggest how you can react to this or that action. This will make it easier to adapt, and he will know how to act in a given situation. Let me take your favorite toy from the house, let it remind him of the house. On weekends, do not break the kindergarten regime. Learn to share, interact with children.

The kid should get enough sleep. Organize his night's sleep so that he wakes up by himself in the morning. Give him as much time as possible in the evenings and weekends. If you shift the responsibility to an institution, thinking that they are doing well there, they may feel abandoned and unloved.

If you see that anxiety has increased greatly, the child shudders and does not sleep well at night, or all this is still accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea - an urgent need to find out the cause of such a reaction.

What cannot be done?

Don't threaten kindergarten for bad behavior.Moreover, do not say that you will not take it.
Don't leave your child last in the group... Waiting when the children have already gone home is accompanied by sad and negative emotions.
Don't be fooled into going away for a minute. Calmly explain how the day will go, voice the main stages (breakfast, lunch, sleep). Assure your love and promise to pick up, for example, after dinner. Of course, the promise must be kept. Support the child, while talking, sit down on his level.
Be patient, do not scold for tears and refusal to eat.
Do not discuss especially in a negative way, dismissive of educators and in general an institution with children.
Don't drag out goodbyehug and walk away confidently. Do not run away while the child is distracted, he will see that you are not and will be frightened.
No pills.Sedatives - for adults, of course, if there is no prescription from the attending physician. Baby is handling the situation the way she can. Give time, everything will return to normal when he gets comfortable.

For some tips on how to teach your child to kindergarten, see the video:

How to persuade to go to kindergarten

A child should know that kindergarten is a very important and responsible business. Each has his own job, mom, dad and he has a garden.

Hold back at the moment of parting, you cry - the baby cries too. Show only positive emotions, joke. If the child calms down as soon as you leave, it may be better to be taken away by someone else with whom he or she does not have such a strong emotional connection (dad, grandmother, brother or sister). Treat with care, rejoice at crafts, appliqués and the pattern brought. If you refuse to get up in the morning, you can lure him by the fact that today there will be an interesting lesson with the teacher. All mothers will get something beautiful, but nothing for me.

Be proud and tell everyone in the presence of the preschooler that he goes to kindergarten. Talk about how important it is and how he helps you with this.

More often say that the kindergarten is good, and how many interesting things there are.Beautiful toys, attentive educator, fascinating fairy tales. Be consistent, do not fall for tears and persuasion, even if it seems that he can not get used to. He must know that it is necessary. Be firm, but not fanatic.

Come up with something interesting. For example, feed the pigeons on the way home or blow balloons in the group - everyone will play and rejoice. Thus, positive emotions will be fixed.

Make a friend... Usually all children in a group are from the same area. Meet your parents, play on the playground on the weekend, invite them over. The kids will make friends, they will be bored and glad to see each other.

The kid does not want to go to the garden, because there is offended

He tells it himself or you noticed changes and "traces" of resentment, psychological and / or physical. If he went to kindergarten for a long time with pleasure, and then suddenly began to refuse, this is a reason to think. Discuss the situation with your child, find out in a playful way who offends him. Do not show anger, calmly clarify everything.

Conflict with children: First, find out what is happening and why. Perhaps your baby is aggressive himself, and the children are only defending themselves. Watch him when you walk in the courtyard, sandbox. Pay attention to how he contacts. This will help you figure out the reasons for the contention.

For information on what to do in a situation where a baby is being offended in a group, see the video:

It often happens that one aggressor attacks several children.Take control of the situation, he himself will not cope. Talk with the teacher, ask to be more attentive to the situation. Talk to the culprit in a strict tone. Do not threaten, but convey how you should not act. Get to know his parents, perhaps together you will be able to quickly resolve the contradictions.

The next step is to contact the manager. If nothing changes, transfer the baby to another group.

Teach to defend.Of course, don't teach how to fight back, otherwise the consequences will be even worse. Teach outward calmness, keep your head held high, look into your eyes, and speak confidently. Think of how to answer: “Don't hurt me”, “I don't like it”, “Move away”.

If the problem is in the teacher

The following will help to understand that the child is offended by the teacher:

Ask about the problem, but don't claim.The question should be open, for example: "When you indulge, what does Anna Ivanovna do?"
Picture... Sometimes it's easier to draw than to say. Ask to draw a kindergarten, listen to an explanation of who does what. This will allow you to understand partly what is happening.
Games... Role-playing. Take the role of an educator and then introduce it to your child. How he will handle you and the toys will most likely take place in the group.
Come up with a fairy tale with your child. Let the real people from the kindergarten be the heroes.
Assess the situation adequately. Consider it from all sides, children have a rich imagination. He may exaggerate or copy behavior from cartoons / films.

For a few tips from a child psychologist on what to do if your baby is being bullied in kindergarten, see below:

Actions when you are sure that the caregiver is guilty:

Conversation with the teacher.Without getting personal, ask if it was. Praise the teacher, show how you respect him for his work. Resolve the conflict in a peaceful manner.
When the mentor cannot hear you and the complaints continue, talk to other kids' parents. Find out if they have a similar problem.
Contact the manager,also calmly ask to control what is happening.
If all else fails, contact the Department of Early Childhood Education. Team up with other parents and ask for a replacement teacher.

Usually adaptation takes from one month to six months, if the baby cries all day and does not want to stay in kindergarten. Think about a private institution or a nanny, persuade your grandmother or yourself, at least for a while, give up work, because health and peace of mind are very important. After a while, try to take the baby to the kindergarten again, perhaps later everything will work out.

Watch the program in which the problem of unwillingness to go to kindergarten is considered in sufficient detail from different angles.